The dream is to continue the struggle

I am torn between two worlds. Right now I am sitting inside my apartment. I can hear the rain against the window through the headphones I am wearing (listening to Bon Iver). I have a take away cappuccino in front of me on the desk. I bought it on my way home from shopping new ink cartridges for my printer. As I went outside one hour ago, to jump on a tram to the city, something struck me. I feel torn between two worlds: I just started my firm as a photographer, but I also started a three year long education to get a Bachelor of Fine Art in Photography.

"Finding Peace" This is the first image that I created and that I felt totally happy with. I had managed to complete my vision, from loose idea to finished photograph. And I managed to edit it in a way that I had never done before. That was an amazing feeling!

In a way, my current situation could be seen as having many possibilities. Which is true. I have many possibilities. I am a very lucky person to have been accepted to the eminent school of photography in Gothenburg. This is the only school at this level in Sweden and it´s hard to get in. At the same time, I just got my own firm approved less than two months ago, which feels amazing.

What is bothering me about this is the fact that these two things are happening at the same time, which in turn gives me a feeling of not being in complete control of my life. I applied for this school three times. Last year I was put on a list of extra people to contact if someone dropped off. I had a very low priority on that list so I honestly didn´t think I stood a chance. After seeing my ranking on that list I decided to give up on that school. I felt sick of going around waiting for a school to accept me. As if I needed their approval to be a true artist! I already knew what I wanted to do. I had found my artistic voice and I had already taken a one year course of photography. I felt ready to start up my own firm. I decided that this was the best way for me, and I started to feel pretty good about not going to this school. I decided that I would find a job to earn some money while I was starting up my firm. And then the school contacted me to let me know that they wanted to offer me a spot. I was in chock last term when I began at the school. This was far away from how I had planned it to be.

I know that I should be grateful. I should feel amazing by the fact that I got accepted. But the problem is that I had already decided that this school wasn´t for me. In fact, I now thought it would be bad for me to go there, because of it´s orientation in photography. My thought was that if I went to this school, it would only make me give up my personal style and maybe make me unhappy. And here I am. A dream come true and I feel out of control and angry. Angry because they decided to accept me at a moment when I had decided to move on. Angry because I should feel joy.

"Contemplation" 

And this is where I realize that this is life. Life is like this. Life will always be like this. You live, you wish, you dream, you write a list of goals to fulfill. You fail, you get depressed, and maybe you give up. And suddenly one day, your hope will start lightening the way once again, and you move forward in an uphill struggle. And most often, when you do get what you strive for in life, you won´t get it in the way you thought you would, and you won´t get it when you thought you would. To succeed is so much more than we think it is. We have these pictures in our head of what it will feel like, of how everything will be, only if we reach that goal. But reality is always more complex than the ideal images. This year, I have succeeded. Yet it has taken me a long time to even realize this. Why? Because I didn´t recognize this success. I had a different picture in mind of what this kind of success would feel like. When I had started up my photography business, when I had been accepted to the School, everything would be idealistic. Perfect. When you get what you want, but not when you want it, you realize that the goal is never the dream. The dream is to continue the struggle. The dream is to always have the courage of not giving up. To believe in yourself. But not because you have to reach a certain point, but because it´s what you want. The feeling that you´re walking your own road, following your own directions, is what will make you feel whole as a person. It´s what will make you feel grounded and passionate. I have lots of goals and dreams. They are my treasures. But the road is what´s my home, every minute of every day. No success will beat the joy of walking that road if it´s the right road for me.

"Homesick"