The dream is to continue the struggle

I am torn between two worlds. Right now I am sitting inside my apartment. I can hear the rain against the window through the headphones I am wearing (listening to Bon Iver). I have a take away cappuccino in front of me on the desk. I bought it on my way home from shopping new ink cartridges for my printer. As I went outside one hour ago, to jump on a tram to the city, something struck me. I feel torn between two worlds: I just started my firm as a photographer, but I also started a three year long education to get a Bachelor of Fine Art in Photography.

"Finding Peace" This is the first image that I created and that I felt totally happy with. I had managed to complete my vision, from loose idea to finished photograph. And I managed to edit it in a way that I had never done before. That was an amazing feeling!

In a way, my current situation could be seen as having many possibilities. Which is true. I have many possibilities. I am a very lucky person to have been accepted to the eminent school of photography in Gothenburg. This is the only school at this level in Sweden and it´s hard to get in. At the same time, I just got my own firm approved less than two months ago, which feels amazing.

What is bothering me about this is the fact that these two things are happening at the same time, which in turn gives me a feeling of not being in complete control of my life. I applied for this school three times. Last year I was put on a list of extra people to contact if someone dropped off. I had a very low priority on that list so I honestly didn´t think I stood a chance. After seeing my ranking on that list I decided to give up on that school. I felt sick of going around waiting for a school to accept me. As if I needed their approval to be a true artist! I already knew what I wanted to do. I had found my artistic voice and I had already taken a one year course of photography. I felt ready to start up my own firm. I decided that this was the best way for me, and I started to feel pretty good about not going to this school. I decided that I would find a job to earn some money while I was starting up my firm. And then the school contacted me to let me know that they wanted to offer me a spot. I was in chock last term when I began at the school. This was far away from how I had planned it to be.

I know that I should be grateful. I should feel amazing by the fact that I got accepted. But the problem is that I had already decided that this school wasn´t for me. In fact, I now thought it would be bad for me to go there, because of it´s orientation in photography. My thought was that if I went to this school, it would only make me give up my personal style and maybe make me unhappy. And here I am. A dream come true and I feel out of control and angry. Angry because they decided to accept me at a moment when I had decided to move on. Angry because I should feel joy.

"Contemplation" 

And this is where I realize that this is life. Life is like this. Life will always be like this. You live, you wish, you dream, you write a list of goals to fulfill. You fail, you get depressed, and maybe you give up. And suddenly one day, your hope will start lightening the way once again, and you move forward in an uphill struggle. And most often, when you do get what you strive for in life, you won´t get it in the way you thought you would, and you won´t get it when you thought you would. To succeed is so much more than we think it is. We have these pictures in our head of what it will feel like, of how everything will be, only if we reach that goal. But reality is always more complex than the ideal images. This year, I have succeeded. Yet it has taken me a long time to even realize this. Why? Because I didn´t recognize this success. I had a different picture in mind of what this kind of success would feel like. When I had started up my photography business, when I had been accepted to the School, everything would be idealistic. Perfect. When you get what you want, but not when you want it, you realize that the goal is never the dream. The dream is to continue the struggle. The dream is to always have the courage of not giving up. To believe in yourself. But not because you have to reach a certain point, but because it´s what you want. The feeling that you´re walking your own road, following your own directions, is what will make you feel whole as a person. It´s what will make you feel grounded and passionate. I have lots of goals and dreams. They are my treasures. But the road is what´s my home, every minute of every day. No success will beat the joy of walking that road if it´s the right road for me.

"Homesick"

New year- new routines!

I´m thinking about my year, and what I want to do different this coming year. I´m not the one who usually makes promises for the new year, but this time I actually feel like making one, mainly because it´s regarding my health. The simple fact is this: I need to exercise more. I need to build up my strength. Since I´m working in front of the computer a lot, I´ve come to realize that I also need to train in order to feel okay. This year has not been a good year when it comes to my body and health. I haven´t been as healthy as I could be, or should be. I haven´t been as strong as I need to be in order to be able to spend time editing in front of the computer. There has been a lot of things on my mind this year. A lot of changes and much travel back and forth between cities. This year has not been a year of routine. Which is why I´m writing this. I´m typing these words right now because I really really want to change this. I know that it´s more fun to edit a picture. I know that it´s more tempting to make a cup of coffee and open my notebook to sketch down ideas for a new photograph. I know what I love to do most, and that is to be in my own imagination and create art that is meaningful to me. But I also know how I feel when I let my creativity rule and ignore the signals from my body. Because the body talks with me, all the time. The body tells me when it wants to move. The body tells me when it´s tired of being in front of a computer, or when it´s time to go to bed. My body tries to communicate with me. And I have to be a better listener. Just as I have practiced the art of following my dream these last years, listening to my soul and heart telling me in what direction to go, I now need to practice the art of listening to my body. Because, the fact is: without a healthy body, the brain and creativity won´t be at it´s best. In order to focus, you need to let your body work. In order to find balance, you need to listen to both your body and soul and give them both attention. Your body is your castle, and it´s the only one that you´ve got.

I have practiced the art of slowing down this year. I have so much that I want to do with my photography. I have so many ambitions. This is my passion. This is what makes me connected to my soul. This is what makes me grounded. This is my happiness and the one thing that makes me whole as a person. But what I´ve come to realize the past year is: this is not enough. It´s not enough to find one thing that you love like crazy and do that thing for the rest of your life. In the beginning, you will feel awesome, but after a while you´re going to realize that you need other stuff in your life as well in order to have a balanced life. I believe that many people in our society is putting too much energy on work. We are what we do and we want to do the best we can. We are prepared to sacrifice our health just to succeed. But I don´t want to sacrifice some parts of my life for the sake of success. I don´t think it´s worth it. I´m already doing what I love. I don´t want to let the strive for my dream ruin the other parts of my life, even though I love that struggle. A fulfilled life can never consist of only one thing. You can´t be happy with just doing one thing for the rest of your life. Or at least: I can´t. I often need both. I need to be alone a lot, but I also need to meet other people. I need to sleep a lot, but I also need to practice the art of getting up early in the morning, since it makes me feel good. I need time to work with my passion, but I also need time to train my body. I know that without the physical health, I won´t be able to last as a photographer. I know that I need to put effort and time into my body if I want my dream to come true. It´s not always right to run straight to your goal, taking the fastest way you see. Sometimes it´s better t to take the longer road, that gives you more time to include other things in your life that doesn´t necessarily have anything to do with your goal and your dream.

I believe that we need all the parts in our life in order to live the life that we want to. I often choose to spend more time on my photography than I do on hanging out with my friends, but that doesn´t mean that I could ignore spending time with my friends. Even if this is something that I don´t do too often, it´s still something that I need in order to feel happy. And for the coming year I certainly need to spend more time in my running shoes and on the gym! Today I bought myself a new pair of training shoes and a new training jacket. I´ve decided to make a change this year. I have to spend less time on my photography and more time on movement. I believe that this will make me work more effectively when I´m working. It will also make me less tired and stronger. This is my new years resolution, and I´m writing this blog post so that I will feel even more pressured to keep it! :)

If you have a resolution for the coming year, please comment and let me know <3